I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
