I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
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