I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Randomize
