How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
A+ Viking dick
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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