watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
