headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
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