So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
