Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
