my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Randomize
