Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
