I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
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