I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
I had to cum in my sink.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
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