i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
