What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
