I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
