I think I died a long time ago.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
