im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
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