based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
Randomize
