Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
i used baking grease as lip gloss
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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