I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Randomize
