LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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