You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Randomize
