dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
