Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
