I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
