What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
I think my moral compass just broke
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
