He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
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