I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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