Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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