While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Randomize
