There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Randomize
