I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
grandma shit on top of the toilet
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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