I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
