it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Can I color on your dick again?
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Randomize
