wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize
