Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
Randomize
