Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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