Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
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