I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
He? As in you personified your dick?
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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