maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Randomize
