Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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