You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Randomize
