So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Randomize
