I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
