dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
