I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
