literally had 100 drinks last night.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
