I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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