Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
