even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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