I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
It's official drugs can't kill me
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize