don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
