new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
