Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
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