So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Randomize
