The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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