I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
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