you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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