I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
