allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Too much gin, very little bucket
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
