She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
