ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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