My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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