I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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